Another Year has Come and Gone

Here we are, once again another year in the history books. I suppose this year was like any other year filled with highs and lows, successes and failures, memories and things we would rather forget. I set out at the beginning of this year to examine cancer, to help motivate and get more involved in the fight. To create a world without cancer.  Unfortunately, cancer still affects millions. However, that’s not to say this year is without its successes. New and exciting therapies have been developed, talented researchers are getting closer and closer, loved ones have successfully completed their treatments, and patients have more resources then they ever have before. The journey to end this awful disease is definitely not a sprint but a slow and sometimes agonizing marathon.  I am redefining success for 2011, if I was able to inspire just one person to do something in the fight against cancer then I consider that a victory. If I have motivated you to raise money, volunteer your time, bring a meal to a newly diagnosed patient, be a donor, or simply care, then I have succeeded. It will take baby steps to get there. My challenge for you in 2012 is to help others become as passionate as you are. Together we can beat cancer. Happy New Year! The eternal optimist in me says maybe 2012 will be the year…  

One More.

One more. It is with a sad heart I write tonight. The last few days have been a roller coaster to say the least. I began this year on a mission to capture my journey towards making cancer a far distant memory. I vowed that not one more man, woman, or child would have to hear three awful words, “you have cancer.” We have seen enormous progress this year and have made encouraging strides in our efforts. I have seen everything from researchers reformulating ecstasy to use as a cancer fighting agent to a shot that has cured leukemia in clinical trial patients. Yet the fact remains, everyday people are still newly diagnosed. Thousands of people hear those three dreadful words. Of course it always hits home hard when someone you know is diagnosed. On Friday my family got to feel firsthand the range of emotions again that come with the life changing diagnosis of cancer.

Little Talan, 3 years old. Sweet, innocent, lovable. Hospitalized for some stiffness in his muscles. Just as most families communicate these days, I saw some brief updates from Talan’s mom on Facebook. I saw that little Talan was under the weather and was undergoing some tests. Later in the week a sentence or two would stream through my news feed about his abnormal blood counts. Immediately my heart sank. I know all too well what abnormal blood work can mean. I told myself I was just being paranoid due to my line of work and all of the stories I am surrounded by on a daily basis. On Friday I received a phone call from my sister. My worst fears were confirmed by the first sound of her shaking voice. “Talan has leukemia,” was all she could manage to get out.

All of the emotions that came flooding over me felt strange in a way. I held back tears and quickly got off the phone to digest what I had just heard. First I wanted to cry, my heart literally ached. Then I wanted to spring into action. I work for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for gosh sakes, I can help him. I jumped into research mode and started frantically pulling pamphlets and brochures off of our shelves. A few minutes later I was back to sobbing. I quietly shut my office door and numbly stared at my cold and now completely unappetizing lunch. I was hurting for Talan’s family. I felt guilty for all of the things I know. I know that their life will never be the same. They will be thrown into a world no parent ever wants to be. I knew the initial shock and overwhelming-ness will wear off and the long sleepless nights and endless treatments will begin. I knew how long there road was about to be. I also knew they have no idea what they are in for. The burden of this knowledge weighed heavy on my chest.

As I sat at my desk, mountains of old memories came flooding back. Some of my best childhood memories are with Talan’s mom, Nicole. We are separated by only a few months and spent every summer together since I was nine years old. Nicole lived in Massachusetts and my father would whisk us away from Arizona each summer to spend time with our god parents and their family. We would spend hours catching up, talking about the cutest boys in our schools, playing games, making up dances, swimming in “the pond” for hours. During the school year we would write back and forth to keep in touch. Updating each other on all of the important things in a teenager’s life: boys, boys, and every now and then a new favorite pair of shoes.

As we got older and I was “too old” for family vacations we kind of went our separate ways. Each of us, on separate coasts, as young adults growing up and trying to start our lives. We kept in touch from time to time and saw each other when I would make as my father would say, “An all too rare east coast appearance.” Nicole got married and then had a baby boy. Talan. He is the light of her life. I often think of what different worlds we live in. I have a hard time imagining being a mother and I know Nicole could not imagine life not being a mother.

Now to know, one of my very best childhood friends, is dealing with so much is so overwhelming. Her strength in all of this has been amazing. It’s hard not to feel helpless when you are 3,000 miles away. My dad and my sister are there along with the rest of her amazing family and I am happy for that. It’s also hard not to feel guilty. Is there something more that I could be doing? I said not one more. Now I can’t even say not one more in my own family. Cancer is putting up a strong fight.

However, I will continue to work tirelessly towards our goal; a world without cancer. Hopefully when little Talan grows up he will talk about this ordeal as a distant memory. He will have to explain to his kids what cancer is because it will no longer exist.

Please keep Talan in your thoughts, he had his port put in yesterday and is beginning his chemo treatments. He is strong and brave, cancer always seems to pick those ones.

Planes, Trains, Auto Mobiles, Taxis, and the Metro...

Well hello there! It has been a while, too long!! I want to share with you a few lasting memories from my recent travels.

First, I had the amazing privilege of watching a small group of people achieve amazing things. Through their own determination and resolve they raised over $4000 each to participate in the Marathon de Paris in April. After a flight cancelation and a walk through some sort of a money laundering bust we were safely on Parisian soil. It was an amazing time and I enjoyed getting to know everyone’s “why”. Why they traveled half way around the world to run on the bumpy cobblestone streets without many of the comforts of a domestic race at home. It was another reminder of just what dedication looked like. There were many laughs, a few glasses of wine, and maybe a little too much Crème Brule. After careful consideration we decided to take one of our long time coaches with us, Coach Hank. Coach Hank was on a mission of his own; this trip had multiple layers for him. His father was a WWII pilot that was shot down in France. After a tiring pursuit by German soldiers and a series of tense moments, he was taken in by a French family who saved his life. Coach Hank always says, “My father survived WWII and living in hostile territory but he couldn’t beat cancer.” That was Hank’s “why”. He was here in Paris to support his runners who were running to save future lives but also to reunite with the family who had helped his father so long ago. The reunion was emotional and joyous. I felt so grateful that I was able to share a small part in this epic story of kindness, heroism, and humanity.



Race morning and working hard!



Katrina and I at the EiffelTower



Coach Hank in the front row, center



After Paris, I said good bye to my new found friends and boarded a plane to the Czech Republic. It was an amazing time with absolutely the most gracious of hosts. Excitedly I was shown around all of the nooks and crannies of Prague and absorbed myself in the rich history of this unfamiliar world that surrounded me. It was a trip I will never forget!

Two weeks later I was off again! Packing my suitcase yet again to help support amazing people who  raised vital funds to fund our mission and a cure. I hurriedly packed my bag and headed off to the airport. Destination-Vancouver, my first trip to visit our friends of the north, Canada. Vancouver was absolutely beautiful! Again, I was amazed with the courage and determination of our athletes. They all brought their own “why’s” packed carefully away in the back of their minds. I was both inspired and saddened that so many people have a personal connection. The race was awesome and the people of Canada where so nice. During the trip we were staying at the same hotel as the Nashville Predators. Wow! We got an authentic taste of playoff time in a country crazy about hockey.

As soon as I got home, I was off again for my next adventure. My baby sister, Michelle, was graduating from Pharmacy School. After 6 long years, she was to become a Dr.! It was an emotional and joyous weekend. Our family rented a house on Cape Cod and we got to spend time all together. My uncle and cousin drove down to spend this special weekend with us. After celebrating Friday the 13^th in a cemetery hundreds of years old, an impromptu dance party, Brett getting to meet my whole family (even my father), and an evening dip in 50 degree ocean water by a certain crazy person (who will remain anonymous), it was time to say good bye. Our quick but amazingly fun trip will go down as one of our best family vacations. I still can’t believe my little sis is Dr. Little Sis!

A Barnstable Stroll

Friday the 13th

Graduation Day!!!

After our East Coast jaunt I headed to Tahoe to support our amazing cycle team. It was another first for me. I was so happy to meet everyone. Tahoe is breath taking and a must for everyone in my opinion.

As soon as I got back Brett and I settled into our new home and our time was spent unpacking and getting organized. Our happiness was cut short with the awful news that Brett’s aunt had passed away and cancer was to blame. Brett quickly boarded a plane to New York and spent time with his family and reminisced about all of the greatness that was his aunt.

We are all settled in now and adjusting to our new life nicely. This weekend we are off again to participate in a midnight half marathon in Rachel, Nevada otherwise known as area 51. If we don’t get abducted, we are excitedly planning our trip to Honolulu for our very first marathon in honor of his little sister, Dominie and his aunt. A few of our many “why’s”.

Whew! It’s been an amazing and busy few months. I am grateful for all of you who have come along on these journeys. Through all of this, it has become increasingly clear that all we have is each other. As well as just how important connections to each other are. All of these experiences were so much richer because of the people and the connections that were a part of them. We have been brought together to help fight an awful disease but the ancillary affects are almost as powerful, friendship, memories, and community. Together we will find a cure and enrich our own lives along the way.

Go Heather Go!!!

Re-energized, re-inspired, and ready to go!!! Whew! After a week or so of feeling badly I am happy to report that I have re-focused on the things that are important and am ready to be a part of the solution again!

Life is so amazing and unpredictable. It really is crazy how quickly life changes. One simple phone call, a new perspective, even a new person walking into your life and life as we know it is never the same. It is part of the excitement of living and also the part that is terrifying. I think it depends on how open you are to see and experience these things when they show up. Sometimes we are so focused on other things we miss opportunities or they come up in inconvenient times and we let them pass us by. I feel like my life has changed at least 25 times this week. Ok, a bit of an exaggeration but it sure feels that way. I'm not necessarily talking huge monumental changes but as sit quietly and watch my life I realize how affected I am by the amazing people and experiences I am lucky enough to have around me. Thank you for continuing to challenge me, teach me, inspire me, and most of all illustrate to me that life is exactly what you make it.

On that note, I promised an update on my dear friend Heather. I am so happy to report that she not only finished her first triathlon but absolutely demolished it! She is currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer and had a chemo treatment on Friday and competed on Sunday. Amazing!!! She is a perfect example of making life her own; despite the curve balls she has been thrown. She is such a positive, strong, and determined person. I admire her tremendously. It was also great to have a reunion of sorts with everyone from her original Rock N Roll San Diego Marathon team. We got to catch up as we cheered Heather in and out of the pool and through transition. I am lucky to have met such unique and special women. They also inspire me. Each one has said enough is enough; I am going to do something. I can no longer sit on the sidelines and watch anyone else suffer. They drive me to be a better person, to do more, to care more, and to keep my heart open even when it feels like I want to shut it off to the world.

Not to get overly cheesy but I think Forrest Gump was right. You never know what you are going to get in life. But maybe that is not the important part. Maybe the important part is what you decide to do with what you have. Let's decide to have a world without cancer.

Please Forgive Me

People are disappointing. A wise man once said, “hell is others” that is exactly how I am feeling. Please be forewarned, this post may be a little whinny overly emotional and possibly angry. However, I must get it off my chest. Hopefully I can move towards peace once again after I get it all out. So bear with me. I haven’t written in a couple of weeks and I have to admit I have lacked some serious inspiration. I feel like a little donkey headed for the bottom of the Grand Canyon, saddled and fatigued.

Relationships of any kind are difficult. When a friend you thought “would always be there” is nowhere near in a time of need. Disappointing. When you have their best interest at heart and it is not returned. Disappointing. The list goes on and on. I am sure we can all relate. I know I have been let down and in return let my best of friends down. It happens.

I am talking more about the little day to day things that can pile up and leave me or anyone feeling this way. If you think I don’t hear your comments, I assure you I do. If you think I don’t see your actions, I see them clearly. Your silence screams indifference, and I have to admit breaks my heart a bit.

Relationships are the only thing we really have in this life. Show up for people. Be aware. I carry my friendship around like a sword. I protect myself with the comfort in knowing, “I don’t have to be your friend” hurt me and we’re no longer buddies. It’s so easy to unfriend people; just a simple click of the mouse and it’s done. I realize that is simply no way to live.

It would be unfair to say this is always my experience. Over the last few weeks there have been many great acts of friendship. For those I will always be grateful. For those who have disappointed me and even hurt me, I want you to know I am laying down the sword. I am here and will always be here. Everything that I am asking of you, I will do my best to give to you. If you are reading this and you are feeling affected, I am talking to you. Let’s be careful how we treat each other and lay our swords down together. Today.

And now, back to saving lives... =)

Controlling the Controllables

Hello World! You have left me once again humbled and amazed. Thank you to my friends and family for the out pouring of support as well as the kind words you have left here or sent to me. I am grateful to have you with me on this journey.

It has been a whirlwind of a week, like most weeks seem to be lately. However, in the midst of chaos I have managed to meet some wonderful people. People who unfortunately are faced with an awful disease we call Cancer. Here are the highlights.

Team In Training (TNT) is getting ready to kick off the summer season with a fresh new set of participants. I received an email from an exceptionally excited marathoner who just could not wait to get started. I love taking calls from people like this; their energy is just contagious! You cannot help but smile along with them. However, when we are at the height of recruitment with a seemingly endless list of “to-dos”, I have to admit that I tend to find myself hurrying through new participant calls. I do this just so I can get right back to that ominous list of tasks. This week I decided to make a conscious effort to be present, to stop and take a moment. To really listen and try to connect to these people, after all they have signed up to do what few people even dare to think about. So, as we discussed the season further I began to understand just why this was so important to her. A good friend of hers has a 3 year old daughter, Olivia, who is currently being treated for ALL, a form of Leukemia. Olivia is our newest and littlest honored hero and is sure to be an inspiration for all.

This new participant sent me the link to Olivia’s Caring Bridge site. A site I have become all too familiar with. Once again I felt the excitement of a new season quickly turn into noticeable dread as I clicked on the link. Wow! She is such a beautiful little girl. I am hoping to get a chance to meet her soon and maybe even drop off a TNT teddy bear in hopes of bringing a smile to her face. Her family is full of hope and after a 3 year treatment protocol hopefully life will return to normal for her and her family; a new normal that is. I have included the link for those interested in learning more about this sweet little girl.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/oliviabaumgardner

As I set the phone down on the base, I began to feel the shiver of anxiety race through my body. The usual questions came streaming into my head. "Why isn’t there a cure?" "What can I do?" "Why can't I stop this?" The anxiety began to subside but was quickly replaced with a small dose of anger served with a side of helplessness.

Just then, my mind switches to Heather, who is a friend and such an inspiration to me. Last year at this time she was training for the Rock N Roll San Diego Marathon. Here is a little disclaimer; I am about to share a story that I have actually never even shared with her (Heather please forgive me!)everyone else, bear with me.

I distinctly remember one practice that season, it was the first real time we had a conversation. The air was chilly as we sat under the glaring field lights at Anderson Junior High. Heather originally signed up with TNT to participate in the Arizona PF Changs Rock N Roll Marathon the season before. Well, life got in the way and I think there may have even been an injury or two but she had to transfer to the next season, the Rock N Roll San Diego. At track practice Heather asked to talk to me. She was concerned about the fundraising and being able to meet her goal. We went through some ideas and hashed out her concerns. I had tried to reassure her the best I could but I still saw some doubt in her eyes. I also had my doubts; I thought the possibility of life getting in the way again was high. But I hoped she would stick it out.

On the drive home, I had this feeling wash over me. I can't really explain it. It was almost as if something was telling me she was supposed to be on our team THIS season. Looking back I believe she definitely was. Throughout the season she was at almost every track practice. We ran the same pace. Together we would dream of tropical vacations and cabana boys as we tried to take our minds off of the painful speed workouts. Everyone on that team became close and Heather was right in the center of these new found friends. The end of the season came pretty much without incident and included many promises to keep in touch. The team did.

One day Heather announced on Facebook that she had been diagnosed with cancer. I had to read the post at least eight times before I could even understand what she was saying. She had gotten into a car accident a few weeks prior and was resigned to lying on the couch to heal her sore muscles. As she was lying on her side she felt a weird lump. That weird lump turned out to be breast cancer. We were all shocked. She was determined. She underwent surgery and followed up with rounds of chemo. She has taken everything that has been thrown at her with such grace. She is still smiling and has kept her amazing sense of humor.

A few months later she announces that she is going to do the “Tri For A Cure” triathlon, while still undergoing treatment! I could barely complete a triathlon completely healthy let alone while battling a serious disease! She simply puts me to shame. Heather had the determination, the courage, even a training plan, she just needed a bike. As I read the request to borrow a bike, I quickly began to feel guilty about all of the dust my bike was surely collecting. I then got excited about the possibility that my bike could see some action once again. It has been longer than I would like to admit since the last time I have taken it out for a spin. I happily volunteered my neglected bike.

I think we were all again amazed at her strength. After lots of phone tag and a few weekends she came to pick it up. I gave her a quick crash course on road bikes and she sped off with my bike and more courage than I'll ever know and enough energy to fill five people. The rest of the story? Well that remains to be seen. Her race is March 20^th and I will be there cheering her on at the top of my lungs. Stay tuned…

She is such a beautiful person. I feel absolutely honored to have her in my life. I hope in some small way we too have helped her. I think her TNT experience worked out the way it did because she was meant to have us and we were meant to have her. Thank you, Heather, for truly inspiring me. For providing living proof that it is not what happens to you in life but it is how you deal with it. I am behind you all the way!!!

As the week progressed I attempted to re-center myself. I want to take the pain away from Heather, Olivia, and every other cancer patient with every fiber of my being. I wish I could take the diagnosis away and change the reality of it all. It is so hard to swallow that at this very moment I simply cannot do it. However, I do take comfort in knowing that there are things I can do. People need people to care, to listen, to love, and to help. I want to do all of those things. I will be the first to admit that I am far, far from perfect. I get annoyed, angry, frustrated, tired, and even careless. That is where I need your help. Hold me accountable. I want to strengthen my relationship with each of you and when I am not doing that let me know. (nicely if at all possible =))I need to accept I cannot take all of the pain in this world away or solve the world's problems. Maybe it is not my place to even attempt it. But if I strive to make a positive impact on the world around me hopefully I will leave this place better than when I found it.

One of my favorite quotes is; "A single snowflake never feels responsible for the avalanche" which describes my theory perfectly. I am just one person. But what if each of us made a conscious effort to make a positive impact in the lives of those around us? I believe it is the series of small things that make the big difference. Hold a door open, carry something heavy for someone, smile at a stranger, look up from your blackberry or iPhone, just be present for those we are with, give people a break. This is my focus for the week.

I am in no means trying to imply that I have the answers to create a "better" world or I that know anymore than anyone else. I am simply trying to do something. I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and or what you do. I am trying to find my way. For now, I will find contentment with “controlling the controllables”. Me.

A huge thank you to everyone who has donated so far! It brings a tear to my eye every time I get a donation notification. I am overwhelmed by your generosity! My link is below if anyone else would like to donate to support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and our mission to find a CURE for blood cancers.

Thanks for reading, please pass on to anyone who would be interested!

http://pages.teamintraining.org/dm/honolulu11/jcarlsooae#My-Fundraising-Page

JC 

And So It Begins...

1-25-11--Where do I start? How do I begin? There are so many things bubbling inside my head. I guess I should start by saying thank you for taking the time to read my blog and welcome! It is going to be a great year, I can feel it!

The beginning seems like a nice place to begin. Some people are born knowing what they want to be when they grow up. It is engrained in every fiber of their being. Whether it is a doctor, dentist, or teacher they just know. That was simply not me. I have wanted to be everything under the sun except for an accountant (way too boring, sorry mom) or an exterminator (way too gross).  My career ambitions have been motivated by all sorts of things; the professions I “should” want, the ones that seemed “glamorous”, only to be disappointed that even the glamorous ones are not all they are cracked up to be, and the ones that of course provide “stability”.

Through my endless career endeavors I have always had the burning desire from somewhere deep inside me to make a “real” difference in the lives of people.  Ok, ok I know this is right where I lose most of you. I get it, “you have heard this tired old cliché from every twenty something in the world”. But just hear me out. I may not know what will be printed on my business card in ten years but I do know I won’t be satisfied if I am not doing something to make a positive impact on the lives of others. Some kids grew up idolizing Michael Jordan or Madonna. I dreamt of Gandhi, Mandela, and ok Madonna.

In recent years  I have applied so much pressure to be as successful that the obsession to “make a difference” has become immobilizing. However, I have realized that much like racing to the top of the corporate ladder, it is not about the actual top but the people and experiences you have along the way that are important.I have decided, in my humble opinion, that the key to changing the world is not developing some huge master plan but by positively affecting the lives we touch every day.

This is where my Not_onemore blog comes in. I have met so many people who have been affected by cancer. I cannot stand here and just listen to the stories any longer. This is my chance to help, to do something for others. I have decided to take cancer head on this year. My intention is to inspire you to care. To encourage you to jump off the sideline and spring into action. Defeating cancer is a massive task; which is why I hope by the end of the year there is an army standing behind me. Let’s create a movement together.

As a part of my endeavor, I wish to raise funds for vital research and patient aid for cancer patients but I will not bombard you with donation requests. Help if you can.

I will be blogging about my journey this year; my personal triumphs, epic failures, the funny things, the not-so-funny things, the amazing people I meet along the way, and the change that we are creating.

I will keep fighting until there is not_onemore. I hope you join me.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead.

My website to donate is http://pages.teamintraining.org/dm/honolulu11/jcarlsooae#My-Fundraising-Page